Any unpleasant event in a married life seems global in the moments of its experience. None of the troubles can be compared with the infidelity of one of the spouses, most often - the betrayal of her husband. Women are very sensitive to infidelity. Men of course, too, but more often men still change! They are more tolerant of everyday household chores, and women are completely immersed in the management of the household, raising children.
How can I forgive and survive the betrayal of my husband, while preserving the family and ever achieve inner peace of mind and comfort? Help the advice of psychologists.
CONTENTS
The infidelity of the spouse, what to do?
Experience the infidelity of its halves in several painful aspects:
- loss of trust,
- sense of betrayal, humiliation,
- bouts of unbearable pain.
The person's individual reaction to what happened depends on the degree of the inner ego. With a propensity for jealousy, the woman is haunted by an agonizing inner struggle, attempts to constantly control the faithful. This does not normalize the life together. With overpriced pride, a woman struggles with her desire to humiliate the unbeliever, reproach him.
It should be noted that the above described will not contribute to the preservation of the family.
A sad outcome awaits and when a woman assumes the role of an eternal victim. Attempts to inspire his husband with guilt in all problems of the family, can provoke his departure from it.
Despite the arguments, you still agree that it's hard to imagine how to live with your husband after his betrayal. And yet it is possible.
To keep a relationship or not?
Whether it is necessary to preserve family relations, if the faithful has changed more than once, there is no guarantee for the repetition of the act.
The chance of forgiveness can be given when he:
- Was tempted by his mistress and could not resist the temptation.
- I decided to try a new one without thinking about the consequences.
- I quarreled with you and decided to take revenge in this way.
- I went "left" while in a state of intoxication.
The reasons for a one-time random connection are not limited to this. The main thing is to see in the husband sincere repentance in the deed. This is possible with a one-time connection, and not with a regular on the side.
Restoration of a strong marriage relationship is unlikely to take place if, confessing to the error, it is guided by cowardice. Hence, the husband is not ready to live with remorse, he is afraid of them. . He relieves the soul and shifts the load on the shoulders of the one from which he has been taking a walk. Even more a man can be embarrassed by the fact that he gets rid of the responsibility for a further decision: to be together or not to be.
There is another type of man's behavior when he carefully conceals love adventures, protecting his wife( and himself) from unnecessary stress. The wife at the same time can guess about the unfaithfulness of the spouse, but pretend as if nothing is happening.
Then, a woman does not need to think about how to forgive her husband's betrayal, because this thought will lead her out of the comfort zone. Such an example can be found in couples with a family experience of 10 years or more, with children, with property and good income, which is extracted by the male half of the family.
Well, conversations with conversations, and the deceived party should make a decision - is it ready to share the future with the one who betrayed it. Find the strength in yourself and figure out how to save the marriage after the betrayal of her husband.
Beginning of a way out of the crisis: advice of a psychologist
To forgive treason is not easy. The appearance of a sense of relief does not depend on the person. A woman may have a strong desire to let go of the offense, but the desire itself will not affect the process of forgiveness. Reason and feelings are rebuilt not by magic I want. To survive the betrayal of her husband, it takes time.
The first actions can be the following:
Exhale. It means to be alone with yourself. Exhalation is necessary for cooling emotions, because going through the first stages - shock, anger, resentment and a desire to divorce - a woman is capable of doing stupid things, which later will regret. Negative emotions are bad companions.
Psychologist's advice : You can give vent to emotions at the moment of stress, react to them, do not drive inside, cry out, scream. Cardinal decisions can not be made on the basis of strong emotions.
Do not try to make the final decision of the until you are ready for it. In seclusion, think about what would be your life together, whether it suited you, write down all the pros and cons. But do not get hung up on the idea of how to forget everything. The latter will raise you to the same emotional level that you are trying to avoid.
Talk with her husband .Willingness to talk should come spontaneously, not forcedly, easily. You have to make sure that the man you love is serious about spending the rest of your life in loyalty and harmony with you.
The conversation should not only concern you, but, first of all, the one who betrayed. Make a table together, write down all the pros and cons of the possible separation and future life together, find out if you have common goals( except for children), ask, after all, whether he is ready to withstand your inadvertently escaped reproaches infuture quarrels. In short, find out all the exciting details that will lead to a RIGHT and JOINT decision.
Refer to the disinterested "judge" .In this case, a competent view from outside and advice of a psychologist will help. If you do not like to turn inside out the family troubles to a stranger, ask a friend or someone from your family( who knows how to keep secrets), listen to both sides. An independent view will reveal to you those things that you yourself did not notice. For example, that the adultery of the head of the family was partially and partly your fault.
Find the root of the problem. Perhaps the most important step on the road to forgiveness. If you find the true reason that pushed a loved one to adultery, consider, you won. After all, the next step will be the search for actions aimed at eradicating this cause. The main thing is do not hide and do not deny if part of the blame for infidelity lies on you. Perhaps the partner was looking for something that he did not receive in his family life. Count this recognition of a partner as a big plus. After all, you might not know about the true reason, and then the probability of a repeat would be higher.
Think about the feelings of the spouse .Do you think the worst thing for you now? No. He also tries to cope with emotions: a sense of guilt, shame, discomfort. When speaking, show respect - do not insult, do not humiliate, do not be ashamed. A huge step towards the preservation of marital ties will be the division of responsibility for what happened.
Talk about "now". You do not have to pile everything - remember that it was a year ago, a half and so on. Focus on the present. Discuss what your couple can do here and now, in a specific situation for healing and improving relationships. And yes, get ready for serious work on yourself in the future.
Forgiveness through convergence
When the couple makes the final decision - to save the relationship at all costs - the next step should be to find ways of convergence. Family couple need to remember what exactly made them be together, which brought them closer, for which they fell in love.
Psychologists are advised to go on a joint trip or to arrange a new honeymoon. Well, if the lovers are only together( children - to my grandmother!).If this is not possible, try to be more alone in the home. Perhaps, the couple will be inspired by a common hobby or a common household occupation.
An important step on the road to rapprochement will be the development of other habits and traditions within the family. Realize that you are entering a new stage, a new era of married life. There is no place for the former experiences, which leads to disagreement. The couple must create another model of behavior, from which positive and harmony will emanate.
You need to promise yourself, do not give up on the first failure. From the first time can not work. The bitterness of the experience will firstly arise. And the idea of how to forgive her husband's betrayal and save the family, from time to time, can knock a woman out of the rut - she will feel that this is unreal.
Council : As soon as the uncertainty of the couple is realized, it is necessary to remember that now in the priority of the restoration of marriage, rather than asking who, whom and what should.
If the couple is confused and does not find a way out of the circumstances, you need to contact a specialist psychologist. There are special exercises that are worked out individually. They are aimed at:
- Restoring spiritual intimacy between partners.
- Developing new communication skills.
- Getting rid of the old gaps in the relationship between the four( which led to treason).
- Restore the old respect and admiration.
- Developing the ability to listen and hear.
Having learned to do the exercises, you will solve the problem by 80%.Working on yourself, the wife will not notice how the offense will recede and forgiveness will come by itself. A strong half, revealing new facets, will get rid of feelings of guilt and shame. In return, thanks and inspiration will come. And this is exactly what the wife expects from her partner.
How to restore trust and restore happiness?
Trust, perhaps, is a decisive factor in the question: how to survive the betrayal of a husband and save a marriage. If there is no trust, there is no rapprochement, there is no forgiveness without rapprochement.
Many wives who decided to rebuild the marriage after the experience of betrayal, surrendered precisely because of the inability to trust. And they are right in their own way. How to remain calm and smile on your face at the time of the spouse's departure, for example, to work. After all, there is a lot of thoughts in my head: does it exactly go to work? And why put on new jeans? And who sent the message when he left the apartment?
To the wife did not arise such conjectures, the couple need to agree on the first time the man as possible reported on their actions. If he aspires to keep love, then he will certainly make concessions: he will sympathize with your frequent calls, questions, where he is and when he will return from work. Do not hesitate to ask that he himself calls and informs you where he is, why he is delayed, and also was interested in your affairs. A spouse who has nothing to hide, even allows his favorite to view e-mail or go from his page in the social network.
Important! Observe the limits of what is permitted, do not make trust in search and interrogation.
Gradually, the trust will return and you will not be worried about any "suspicious" thing. And about the agonizing: how to save the family after the betrayal of her husband, and do forget. And you better write your story about it and share it with women who are uselessly rushing about in search of an answer.
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Fascinating psychology - Vadim Kurkin.
Why does a married man start to change? What is the reason? Is it possible to prevent treason? What should a woman be so that her husband does not have the thought of looking at the side?
Psychologist Vadim Kurkin continues to answer questions from the girls in the project "100 questions from the relationship".
- 0:12 - A common understanding of why men change. What is really looking for men on the side.
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In our videos:
- answers to the most burning questions from real girls,
- tips how to understand a man, build a correct line of conduct with him,
- analysis of interesting situations and cases in the relationship between a man and a woman.
- answers by themes: "psychology of relations", "family", "love", "harmony", "man and woman", "self-development".
WHO IS SUCH VADIM KURKIN:
- Graduate psychologist-practitioner.
- Trainer for interpersonal relationships.
- Certified coach.
- A graduate therapist by methods of personal transformation, harmonious development, elimination of emotional trauma and internal limitations in the subconscious.
- Training on its programs passed more than 50,000 people.
Source of the publication: video on the topic and the editorial of the site https: //obizmenah.ru/zhene/ kak-prostit-izmenu-muzha-i-sohranit-semyu-sovety-psihologa.html
